Is that so?
Am I a less of a person because at this age, I am not married and have no children yet?
I’ve been stressing myself with this lately, affected by the fact that I see and feel the judgment of friends and people who think I should be married at this age, their eyes telling me that I am missing a lot of beautiful things and the security in married life.
Add this to the fact that all of my circle of friends are past the singlehood stage.
Add this to the fact that i am invited to 7 weddings in just 2 months, all of those with bridal showers that i have to help out in organizing most of it.
Last weekend in one of the bridal showers, one of the guests (note: stranger, not even my friend) cannot contain herself and announced ALOUD (for 3 different times in the shower) to everyone WHY am i still single while she has already 3 kids.
I cannot even force myself to smile with the rudeness of it. It was absolutely embarrassing for me.
I honestly don’t know.
It’s like asking a happily married woman trying hard to conceive a child but cannot. Why? It’s not because she isn’t even trying. It’s not because she’s bad. It’s not because she is being punished for something. Maybe isn’t time yet for her. Maybe she’s still being prepared. Maybe it’s not the best for her yet.
It’s like asking a cancer patient why she has cancer. Why? It’s not because she wants to have cancer. It’s not because she is being punished. She just got cancer. And instead of sulking and just die, she is trying her best to get healed. Now, how do you suppose she should answer that?
I could invent a lot of answers. Maybe I am not desirable enough to be asked to get married. Maybe I am bad. Maybe I am being punished. Maybe I am not doing something to make it happen.
Is that what people would want to hear from me?
I apologize that the only answer I could give are just brief smile and sad eyes. Brief smile because I could not invent words just to satisfy their curiosity and judgment. And sad eyes because they cannot accept me as the person just as I am, judging me from what I have and do not have in life.
Deep in my heart, I know I don’t know the answer to that question, as of the moment.
But I want to tell them that I have the desire get married and have a family someday, in His time. Yes, I don’t know, but I trust. I still have faith that there are good plans for me.
I want to tell them that I cannot always relate and have inputs when they talk about wedding preps chit-chats, or baby concerns, or joys of motherhood, but just listening to them makes me happy that they are happy.
I want to tell them that I too am hoping that I can relate with them someday, and that do hope that they will be there when I experience my firsts, just as I did for them.
I want to tell them to enjoy me while I am still single, as some of what a single-me would usually do for them would not be possible anymore when I am already like them.
And I want to ask for their patience for the meantime to bear with their single, unmarried friend. Just as I am trying to be patient with myself.
I wouldn’t mind them asking me questions, as it means I still exist to them.
But re-phrasing the question would mean a lot. Like asking how am I. Like asking how was my date. Like asking how are my weekends.
I would likely and gladly answer those questions.
And maybe I could tell my story and have a good girl-talk with them, instead of just writing this down in a blog post.